I haven't been sleeping very well the past few days. I can't remember when it started... probably the fact that I haven't had to wake up early for anything in the past week. I had work at 7am this morning, but I napped for 2-3 hours afterwards, so my sleep pattern is still affected. I've been getting lots of sores recently too... right now there's this odd pain in my hand... my knees keep throbbing, and my ankle isn't that happy with me right now either.

I managed to pass all my classes this semester... I even got 2 As.... which I wasn't expecting at all. If A+ was an option, I would have gotten that in Event Planning, and that kinda boosts my self-confidence... it makes me happy that I feel like I picked the right major, and at least I'm doing well in the classes essential to completing my major. I'm really looking forward to next semester now, because it's full of the classes for my major. Perhaps I can wrangle all As... now that would be an amazing feat!

My face is breaking out really badly...

Tebow <3

Say what you will about the guy, Tim Tebow is an inspiration. As a student at the University of Florida, I've heard everything, from "Tebow performed circumcisions in the Philippines" to "Tebow's been blown by more girls than could fit into a chemistry lecture hall". He's held the door for me, and he's also almost run me over with his scooter. I've always felt iffy about the guy, whether he was real or not, whether or not the image he portrayed to the media was a good example of how he acted. I've read wonderful stories about him, but I've seen terrible pictures as well. One thing, however, is certain. Tim Tebow united our school. Through his wonderful talent, his general niceties, his winning smile, he made everyone believe in him, made our school number one in college football. Everyone wants to see Tebow play, it's an inspiration to watch, even when his teammates take the field in his absence... he's still on the sideline, cheering, hoping, praying, inspiring these guys. For all he's given us, it was wonderful to see how we could give it back, how he ran onto the field for the final time with the whole stadium, standing up, shouting "TEBOW!" The tears streamed down his face as he ran to embrace his coach and mentor, another figure in college football who doesn't give in to being a jackass. Everyone was standing, and cheering for the man who introduced Phillipians 4:13 to so many; we stood for the good guy, the one who got through his career not by stepping on people, but by helping them up, and moving on with them. And then the game started, and it was nothing but the perfect example of this senior class - a not-so-perfect win, but a good one, with mistakes to be learnt from, and cheers to enjoy. The fans stayed... first through the entire game, then up until Tebow left Florida Field for the final time. It was a gift, a tribute, a lasting standing ovation, and we'll be standing for years to come. He's someone we can tell our kids about, a role model even they can look up to. And no matter where he goes next year, the whole Gator nation will follow him. He will be forever remembered, and that's what we can give to him, just for making our lives, our college experience better. So, thanks Tim, and go Gators!

Ramblings at 8AM

So, I kinda just wanted to add a very self-seeking, highly boastful post.

I am very proud of myself, of how I handled myself last night. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't get angry, that I was able to find the laughter in hard questions and overall that I didn't crack under the pressure. After all, while pledge master was certainly a goal I wished to achieve, my main goal last night was to give a good speech and to change chapter's opinion of the poor girl who the devil made cry.

I just wanted to have it written down, so when I go back and read these one day, I'll know that I was proud of myself, I really am so proud of myself.

Ramblings at 4AM

I just want to say first of all how pissed I am that certain people skew definite facts to make them seem as though they rest in their favor. I hate politics. I hate how people turn others into game pieces and play with people's lives. The four of us were cool with each other, we were all happy, and proud to be running against each other---and you had to go and make it all personal... you had to make a pawn out of a person and use that person to somehow gain greater status... use it as a victory for your group... well you know what, that person is smarter than that... they don't fall into your little scheme of things, so please, get of your fucking high horses and remember that these are real people, and we all have separate lives, and we all just want to make our fraternity better, not advance certain groups within the fraternity.

I'm just saying, those are my observations. I hate people sometimes... I really do.

I think I'll use next semester to get closer to God. I've missed recognizing Him in my life.... =(

What's Wrong With Me?

I get inconsolable when people cancel on me. I get this idea in my head, I invite people, they say they're gonna come, I get up, I get ready, and they cancel. And I can't stop crying. It's not their fault necessarily... they're busy, they're tired, something came up... it's always one of those. But I still can't stop crying. My mind, instead of being rational and realizing they really have something else they need to do, immediately starts trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why do people always cancel on me, why the hell are they so rude? I get angry and sad and overreact. And no matter how much I tell myself that it was nothing against me, that they simply had other plans, I just can't stop myself from crying, from trying to lash out at them. My mind begs the question, do they even realize they're being rude? Do they even realize I had planned my day with the specific event in mind and they don't have the decency to cancel on time? I mean, I get it, I get too worked up about things. I get excited for events and then when they get cancelled that excitement turns into disappointment... But I start shaking from trying to keep it in... I just wanna scream sometimes, but I can't... I have to pretend like I'm normal and I understand that things come up and shake it off... but it really hurts inside... it really really hurts. What the hell is wrong with me?

More Ramblings I Guess

It's been a while since I last wrote in here. For a bit I returned to writing notes on facebook, and then I just stopped altogether. I went through my computer recently and deleted a lot of old writings... nothing important, just things that reminded me of bad times. Sometimes I'm really sad I posted those online for many people to see. It's no wonder how easy it is to single me out as being emotional.

I've noticed something as of recent. When I'm at work, in a new environment, with new people, I think I've completely changed. I feel like one of the cool kids, even though I'm the newest one there. I don't second guess myself, I feel welcome. I wish I could say the same for APhiO. I am happy things turned out the way they did, I am happy to see it's become a non-issue, and I'm truly interested to see how this semester turns out. 

I still wish I was more courageous at times. I think last semester I had my share of courage: rescuing maidens and slaying dragons, metaphorically. All that adventure has since forced me into solitude. I'm not sure of my place, for the maiden was quickly eaten by the voltures, and the dragon, though gone, left me singed. I'm not sure what I want in this organization anymore, though I am glad to finally be head of my family. That's one good thing for this semester. 

Anyways, no one reads this thing, save family, which is why I feel safe to post it. It could all be folly, but when did I ever shy away from making a fool of myself?

Insecurities

Ok, so, as far as I know, barely 3 people read this blog so, unlike facebook, it shouldn't be seen by very many people. That's the point... I'm not writing this for attention... I'm writing it because the emotions are there and the inspiration types itself out. 

I am insecure, think almost nothing of myself, and doubt that anyone would pick me over anyone else--friends, relationships... there's always someone better. And I can sometimes be ok with that, but every now and then it just kind of hits me and my world goes spiraling out of control. I'm not special in anyway... and nothing about me stands out.... nothing good at least.