What's Wrong With Me?

I get inconsolable when people cancel on me. I get this idea in my head, I invite people, they say they're gonna come, I get up, I get ready, and they cancel. And I can't stop crying. It's not their fault necessarily... they're busy, they're tired, something came up... it's always one of those. But I still can't stop crying. My mind, instead of being rational and realizing they really have something else they need to do, immediately starts trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why do people always cancel on me, why the hell are they so rude? I get angry and sad and overreact. And no matter how much I tell myself that it was nothing against me, that they simply had other plans, I just can't stop myself from crying, from trying to lash out at them. My mind begs the question, do they even realize they're being rude? Do they even realize I had planned my day with the specific event in mind and they don't have the decency to cancel on time? I mean, I get it, I get too worked up about things. I get excited for events and then when they get cancelled that excitement turns into disappointment... But I start shaking from trying to keep it in... I just wanna scream sometimes, but I can't... I have to pretend like I'm normal and I understand that things come up and shake it off... but it really hurts inside... it really really hurts. What the hell is wrong with me?

More Ramblings I Guess

It's been a while since I last wrote in here. For a bit I returned to writing notes on facebook, and then I just stopped altogether. I went through my computer recently and deleted a lot of old writings... nothing important, just things that reminded me of bad times. Sometimes I'm really sad I posted those online for many people to see. It's no wonder how easy it is to single me out as being emotional.

I've noticed something as of recent. When I'm at work, in a new environment, with new people, I think I've completely changed. I feel like one of the cool kids, even though I'm the newest one there. I don't second guess myself, I feel welcome. I wish I could say the same for APhiO. I am happy things turned out the way they did, I am happy to see it's become a non-issue, and I'm truly interested to see how this semester turns out. 

I still wish I was more courageous at times. I think last semester I had my share of courage: rescuing maidens and slaying dragons, metaphorically. All that adventure has since forced me into solitude. I'm not sure of my place, for the maiden was quickly eaten by the voltures, and the dragon, though gone, left me singed. I'm not sure what I want in this organization anymore, though I am glad to finally be head of my family. That's one good thing for this semester. 

Anyways, no one reads this thing, save family, which is why I feel safe to post it. It could all be folly, but when did I ever shy away from making a fool of myself?

Insecurities

Ok, so, as far as I know, barely 3 people read this blog so, unlike facebook, it shouldn't be seen by very many people. That's the point... I'm not writing this for attention... I'm writing it because the emotions are there and the inspiration types itself out. 

I am insecure, think almost nothing of myself, and doubt that anyone would pick me over anyone else--friends, relationships... there's always someone better. And I can sometimes be ok with that, but every now and then it just kind of hits me and my world goes spiraling out of control. I'm not special in anyway... and nothing about me stands out.... nothing good at least. 

Admiration

I greatly admire a friend of mine right now. She liked this guy since last semester... she liked him, then spent the time to build a friendship with him, and as of tonight the two are pretty much official. I don't think I've ever been able to turn something into that. I've liked guys for ages, but I never have the courage to actually talk to them. And the two I've dated, well... I didn't like them for too long before we dated... one of them I actually never liked. I know that's terrible, but that's life, and that's the truth.

Anyways, I really admire what my friend was able to do, and I'm really happy for her. In a way it reaffirmed my belief in Fairytales... yeah, I'm not sure if that's a good thing really. Luke sent me an article the other day about the search for love... he grouped us together when talking about searching for love and I told him not to, because I gave up, because I really don't care anymore... because I'm sick of the heartbreak and hopelessness I feel if I even think about it. But maybe I am still searching... sadly still unable to turn anything into anything of significance.

Twilight Widget and Trailer!

Why My Vote is Still Up For Grabs

I've gone through a political whirlwind in my life. The first election I can remember was when Clinton was up for reelection. I remember asking my dad why he voted for him when he did such a terrible thing, and my dad told me he was still a good president. Mom, on the other hand, voted for someone of our acquaintance, because she didn't like either candidate. 

The next election was the controversial election of 2000 when I only knew about one issue: abortion. And I knew that Republicans were against it and Democrats weren't. Well, my opinion was set in stone then--I was thrilled when Bush won. I remember on 9/11 I told my dad that I didn't think Gore would've handled it that well--not that I knew anything about his politics.

And then the war, and the economy, and everything about capital punishment and gay marriage--and for Bush's reelection I was completely against him, though I didn't really like Kerry... I was just against Bush really. And then I was 100% democrat... president of Young Democrats, slowly getting angry as Republican friends dissed Democratic ideas that I believed in... I got mad so easily--

And then I went to college... and ALL of my friends were Republicans, and some of them even had educated opinions... and it got me thinking, and I found myself in the middle... directly in the middle. Sure, on some issues I'm all the way to the left, and on some I'm on the right, but I'm mostly in the middle. I don't believe we should vote based on parties... I think we should vote based on our own opinions. As for the candidates today--I'm not leaning towards either one. I think Obama is quite naiive, and I'm not sure McCain has the best ideas either. So convince me, on either side... please convince me why I should vote for either one, because I have no current opinion right now. 

PS: If you plan on convincing me, do so without dissing the other candidate.

Shades of Pink

It's been a while since I truly blushed, and in one week my face has twice turned a darker shade of pink than my worst sunburn. Why does it feel like I'm in high school or, worse, middle school again? I get butterflies in my stomach, short of breath, feel like my heart is in my throat, and, yes... blush like hell. I'd prefer the sensation go away.