Insecurities

Ok, so, as far as I know, barely 3 people read this blog so, unlike facebook, it shouldn't be seen by very many people. That's the point... I'm not writing this for attention... I'm writing it because the emotions are there and the inspiration types itself out. 

I am insecure, think almost nothing of myself, and doubt that anyone would pick me over anyone else--friends, relationships... there's always someone better. And I can sometimes be ok with that, but every now and then it just kind of hits me and my world goes spiraling out of control. I'm not special in anyway... and nothing about me stands out.... nothing good at least. 

Admiration

I greatly admire a friend of mine right now. She liked this guy since last semester... she liked him, then spent the time to build a friendship with him, and as of tonight the two are pretty much official. I don't think I've ever been able to turn something into that. I've liked guys for ages, but I never have the courage to actually talk to them. And the two I've dated, well... I didn't like them for too long before we dated... one of them I actually never liked. I know that's terrible, but that's life, and that's the truth.

Anyways, I really admire what my friend was able to do, and I'm really happy for her. In a way it reaffirmed my belief in Fairytales... yeah, I'm not sure if that's a good thing really. Luke sent me an article the other day about the search for love... he grouped us together when talking about searching for love and I told him not to, because I gave up, because I really don't care anymore... because I'm sick of the heartbreak and hopelessness I feel if I even think about it. But maybe I am still searching... sadly still unable to turn anything into anything of significance.

Twilight Widget and Trailer!

Why My Vote is Still Up For Grabs

I've gone through a political whirlwind in my life. The first election I can remember was when Clinton was up for reelection. I remember asking my dad why he voted for him when he did such a terrible thing, and my dad told me he was still a good president. Mom, on the other hand, voted for someone of our acquaintance, because she didn't like either candidate. 

The next election was the controversial election of 2000 when I only knew about one issue: abortion. And I knew that Republicans were against it and Democrats weren't. Well, my opinion was set in stone then--I was thrilled when Bush won. I remember on 9/11 I told my dad that I didn't think Gore would've handled it that well--not that I knew anything about his politics.

And then the war, and the economy, and everything about capital punishment and gay marriage--and for Bush's reelection I was completely against him, though I didn't really like Kerry... I was just against Bush really. And then I was 100% democrat... president of Young Democrats, slowly getting angry as Republican friends dissed Democratic ideas that I believed in... I got mad so easily--

And then I went to college... and ALL of my friends were Republicans, and some of them even had educated opinions... and it got me thinking, and I found myself in the middle... directly in the middle. Sure, on some issues I'm all the way to the left, and on some I'm on the right, but I'm mostly in the middle. I don't believe we should vote based on parties... I think we should vote based on our own opinions. As for the candidates today--I'm not leaning towards either one. I think Obama is quite naiive, and I'm not sure McCain has the best ideas either. So convince me, on either side... please convince me why I should vote for either one, because I have no current opinion right now. 

PS: If you plan on convincing me, do so without dissing the other candidate.

Shades of Pink

It's been a while since I truly blushed, and in one week my face has twice turned a darker shade of pink than my worst sunburn. Why does it feel like I'm in high school or, worse, middle school again? I get butterflies in my stomach, short of breath, feel like my heart is in my throat, and, yes... blush like hell. I'd prefer the sensation go away.

Popping the Bubble

I find that it's impossible to pretend certain realities don't exist. I find it's impossible to pretend that some things never happened... that your past didn't really happen... that you never overreact...that you're all better. 

A bubble can go awhile without being affected... it sees everything around it, but nothing can affect it, until, one sudden movement.... the wrong breeze, something in the way... something makes it pop... and all within it escapes. 

I hate the way I am. I hate how I sometimes choose to view the world and to view others and I hate how that affects both my life and the lives of people I care about. So for now I'm gonna overreact... and I'm gonna be upset... and I'm gonna cry like I haven't cried for a really long time... because I was hurt... whether it be intentional or unintentional... I was hurt, and I am gonna react... a blog, a status change on facebook, an angry away message, and me locked alone in my room.... and in a few minutes or hours I can easily reconstruct that bubble, and try really hard not to let it pop again.

River Flows In You

When I tell my itunes to list my songs in order from most played to least the top song reads "River Flows In You" which I have owned for 2 days and already it has been played over 80 times. I wish I could properly explain my love, nay, infatuation with this song. I'm not usually a fan of songs that have no lyrics. This song, though lyric-less, still tells a compelling story--different to every person who listens to it. When I listen to it I find it easy to imagine a meadow and two people dancing in the middle, with leaves falling around them. They're free because no one is watching, and eventually they realize they have to go back to reality, away from the dance. 

Other than the beautiful images that form in my mind, this song is ridiculously calming, soothing, comforting. When it plays I feel like all the stress is lifted off my shoulders, like I don't have to worry about how busy the week is... because somehow everything will be ok, everything will get done, and I can sort of dance through life in my own little meadow before returning back to the crazy world.

Words I'll Never Say

I just want you to know that I think you're one of the coolest people up here. You're nice to everyone, you do all the jobs no one wants to. I just think you're kind of perfect, and I think it kinda sucks that I'll probably never say this and that I prefer keeping these things to myself these days... I really don't want to jump into the fray with everyone else competing for your attention. I don't think I have the heart to fight for you. But I want you to know that I enjoy watching everyone else try, and I enjoy your kind gestures towards them, and I enjoy their snarls at each other from behind your back. I enjoy watching this all with my little secret and how glad I am knowing that I'm not one of those girls.

The Shower

It's late, I have to wake up in less than 8 hours, I'm tired, I'm stressed. That's when I know I should shower. The showers here are small, not much room to move around in, so you sorta just stand in one spot and let the water pour down on you. It's so calming. I tend to get lost in it sometimes.... I think about the day, I think about tomorrow... I think a lot. Sometimes it's personal, other times it's more worldly, but I always think. The great part is, my thoughts flow just like the water... nice and steady, simple, nothing too complicated, just perfect. It's so calming in the shower, it's my own 6' by 6' paradise in the early morning hours.

Pissed Beyond Explanation

I doubt I can explain this to ay degree without going through all details... not only would that take forever, but that would also have me betray secrets--both others' and my own. So I'm just going to say this--

There are some people who I thought were really good people, who I trusted, who I now refer to as some of the lowest scumbags of the earth--people who use others for their own benefit, and people who let themselves be used, despite their knowledge of the fact. Ugh--I'm sick of it and I want nothing to do with them anymore. Being around this kind of crap just brings me down further and further.

Left Out

My big doesn't think friends should be made twins in APhiO. Not only do they tend to make less friends than others, but they also exclude their own friends. They form a twin bond that forces them to exclude others who might have been included. I hate that. I hate being the one out of the loop, the individual, the ugly duckling, the third wheel. I HATE it. I miss the sheep more than ever.

Too Lovey Dovey, Too Heart Broken

Facebook is great for stalking people, whether you know them or not. It's fun to see someone's life that isn't your own. It's fun to not be the most dramatic person in the galaxy. It's fun to see someone act the same way you once did, and fun to know that you're not alone.

Today's random stalking includes a couple who is sickeningly in love with each other as well as a couple who broke up at the wrong time for the guy.

The first couple is all shmoopsy woopsy, lovey dovey, I love you, no, I love you more kinda couple. Ok... it's just getting sick. There are other ways of showing you love someone than just saying constantly that you love each other... because once you drop the facade of this shmoopsy gimmicky crap you realize you have nothing to go on. I'm talking about the people who go into relationships, just to be in a relationship... the people who need someone else, need to be told they're loved without feeling any regard for themselves. They depend on others to love them, so when they get in one of those "I love you" "No, I love you more" fights, they only continue to be assured that the other person will keep going. 

I have a friend who was hurt because his girlfriend was one of these people. He would assure her every day how much he loved her, because it was what he grew to know as what she wanted to hear. He followed her wherever she went, because she wanted company... but soon enough she found company with other people, other guys she preferred, and she found other people to say "I love you" and she grew tired of him, and dumped him. I wonder sometimes if she ever loved him, or if it was just that she loved being told she was loved. She found another guy soon enough... and once again, she's "in love" with him, that is, until she finds someone else to tell her she's the most loved creature in the world.

So then there's this other couple, complete strangers that facebook seemed to think I knew. They just broke up, and the guy left a long message on his facebook, similar to one I left last August, about how terrible it was to have all the memories flowing in your head. And it sucks, it really does suck. Lord, I remember those memories rushing to my brain, I remember crying so much beyond my control, far beyond sleep, ugh, it was terrible. Never again... and it hurts to see other people go through the same thing... even if I don't know them. I hate to think that there are so many people in this world who go through the terrors of a bad breakup. And I wonder if they know how to handle it. 

The thing is, when that lovey dovey person finally finds someone who she loves as well, if he breaks up with her and breaks her heart, well, will she have the self-confidence needed to get her through it? Can someone who depends so much on others be able to bring themselves back up? My experience tells me otherwise. My experience shows that you cannot depend on others for your own happiness, because as much as they'll be there for you in the beginning, if you can't bring yourself up soon, they'll get sick of it and abandon you, and you're alone again. 

Relationships are great and all, friendships are even better, and family tends to always be there for you, but no matter what, you cannot depend on others to always bring you back up. You need to find your own self confidence, and you need to survive on your own. You need to look in the mirror and say "I'm beautiful", you need to look at your accomplishments and say "I've done well", you need to look at your past and say "It's over", and you need to look at your future and realize you can do anything. That way you'll never be too lovey dovey or too heartbroken.

China prefers the cute girl

So apparently at the China Opening Ceremonies this adorable little girl sang her way into the hearts of viewers... or did she? The young girl we all saw and loved was moving her lips to the voice of a different little girl, a girl with buckteeth, short hair, and a pudgy little face. This other little girl was all set to perform, up until dress rehearsal, when Chinese officials decided she wasn't the image they wanted to show the world. So she was cut, but they still used her voice. I'm not saying that other countries stray from the same action, but seriously? The Olympics are about abilities, not about looks. No one cares if a gold medalist has a crooked nose and yellowing, twisted teeth... so long as they win, their country will hoist them up all the same. But this little girl sings like an angel, and her country hides her in a closet so they can boast a girl who looks more like an angel. Boo on China.

Breaking Dawn Review

WARNING: SPOILERS ABOUND. IF YOU INTEND ON READING THIS BOOK WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT HAPPENS, DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW.

Breaking Dawn was the last book in the Twilight saga. Though Stephanie Meyer plans to write Midnight Sun the book will only run parallel to the series from someone else's point of view. There was no option then--all the unanswered questions had to be answered in this book. Everything had to make sense. I must say it exceeded my expectations.

At first I was unsure--with Edward and Bella's wedding done with by page 50 it seemed odd that this book could continue--everything was perfect, so long as Bella was made a vampire eventually. But Meyer had other plans up her sleeve. An unexpected pregnancy that no one could have guessed, and that at first seemed too silly and fanfiction-like. Who could've guessed that while vampires can't get vampires pregnant, the same didn't hold true for vampires getting humans pregnant. As silly as it was, one of my favorite parts occurred when Bella realized what was happening, when Edward was on the ground in shock, unable to move. The image was was clear in my head, and the thought of it made me laugh--I laughed a lot through this novel.

And then Meyer makes a bold choice and has Jacob Black narrate for the duration of Bella's pregnancy. We're able to see how everyone reacts without constantly hearing Bella's whining about not harming the baby, but not wanting to see everyone else hurt. Not to mention, Jacob was a pretty good narrator, what with his crude language, funny nicknames, and "bada bing". Yes, that was another favorite part of mine. I also very much enjoyed when Edward was able to hear the baby's thoughts, and he was finally taking on that fatherly image. What was more interesting was knowing what Jacob was thinking, and seeing Edward's reactions--something that was impossible when Bella narrates. And Meyer cuts off Jacob's narration at just the right point--when Jacob changes, when he imprints on Bella and Edward's daughter... when he's changed forever, and therefore, no longer a good narrator. It was time to travel back to Bella's mind, no longer suffering from constant thoughts of her child--there were new things to consider. 

In order to save her from the traumatic ordeal of giving birth to a half-vampire, Edward had to change Bella. It was finally time for the heroine (as much as I hate to admit it) to become a vampire, and her narration started to become more interesting. It was great seeing the terrible transformation through the one who experienced it, great seeing the still lacking in self-confidence Bella getting used to her super model body, and Edward, loving her just the same as he had when she was merely human, convinced her that she was never just merely pretty. I do love Edward, love the way he has never lost his love for Bella, love the way he protects her, love the way he hurts when she hurts and blames himself for the tiniest little thing. You can see the good in his heart, though it doesn't beat, the perfection that is Edward Cullen. There's just one tiny mistake--

WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD LET THEIR WIFE NAME THEIR ONLY DAUGHTER RENESMEE CARLIE?!?!?! WHAT IS IT WITH BOOKS LIKE THIS AND HARRY POTTER, CAN NO ONE FIND A DECENT BABY NAMING BOOK?

Ok, sorry, just had to get that out. Other than the name, Renesmee is a joy to watch. Just like in the book, she's able to win over even the most skeptical readers, with her innocent charm. Though I thought I would abhor her birth, I actually appreciated her as a character. Afterall, if it weren't for her, there wouldn't be such a final battle.

All seemed right with the world, everyone was happy, and yet there were still 300 pages left of the book...something had to happen. Ah, yes, of course--the Volturi, the vampire police who covet the skills of Edward, Alice, and now Bella. I must admit, it was quite exciting to see the army of vampires build up, to all protect Renesmee at all costs, and still it wasn't quite as exciting as the final battle in Harry Potter. I know, I shouldn't make comparisons, but that's the truth. The battle seemed recycled almost, with Bella being able to protect everyone with a shield (sort of like Harry's sacrifice shielding everyone from harm). Still, it was interesting to see how everything worked out, how Alice finally showed up to save the day, but even more so how it all seemed to end at a standstill and both armies turned around and walked their separate ways. Oh, I must say, Aro reminds me way too much of Pegasus from Yu-Gi-Oh, just have to put that out there. 

And so the story ends, as many fantasies do, happily ever after. I thought about it a little after I read the final sentence and closed by books in the early hours of Sunday morning. When I first read it, I was skeptical, because so much had changed, it was so different from the other three, but upon further thinking I discovered that I highly enjoyed it--because it was so different. The characters took on new traits and new flaws--they became different characters in a sense. Highly impossible, yet it seemed like Edward grew up in a sense, no longer a more perfect version of Romeo, but rather one who kept more than just his and Bella's self-interest. It was nice to see him stand up to Aro as almost the leader of the group, taking responsibility for his family--his wife, and his daughter. 

It was even nice to see Bella grow into a vampire, able to control herself to keep the ones she loved safe. It was nice to see her take on that motherly role--though entirely different from the teen with the aversion to marriage Meyer created in the previous three books. I highly enjoyed the very end, when Bella is able to push the shield away from herself so that Edward can finally read her thoughts and know how she really feels. That was, to me, the perfect ending. Edward and Bella weren't so much the Edward and Bella we all learned to love from earlier in the series--they were completely different, and still, so much better. 

See, Breaking Dawn wasn't so much the end of the Twilight saga... technically it all ended with Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn was a book on it's own, creating new characters that we still loved. Despite the elaborate plot, the terrible baby name, and the easy way out of having Jacob imprint on Renesmee, I found that this book was highly enjoyable, a 9 out of 10 for me. 

Just one question though... what do you think will happen once Renesmee is old enough, and Jacob can fantasize... and Edward can read his thoughts... I'm guessing total bloodbath :D

The Summer of Recovery

I have decided to christen the summer of 2008 as the Summer of Recovery and Rediscovery. Such a terrible year it was! Not only did I suffer the effects of moving on to college life, but I had to do so while still readjusting to that all too familiar status of single. I wish I could say I was a big girl and handled things well, but everything went wrong. I was in such a haze of self-pity and depression that I forgot to take care of myself and everything around me. Casualties: a could've been great friendship, an understanding that my best friend would help me through everything, my love of reading, my sanity, my already faltering self-esteem and my better judgement. These were all murdered by those terrible weapons of depression, jealousy, paranoia, and gluttony. I was lost, even threatening to stab myself a few times. I had forgotten about that....

But through Spring semester, after I finally sought help, I began seeing things a little differently. I became more self-conscious, and aware of how my actions affected others. And I also began to feel a deep remorse with no way of calming it. It's difficult, but in order to prove my remorse, I wasn't able to communicate it--it's a long story. Anyways, I began to get better, cry less, think about him less, and start caring more about my own life, and fixing the damage that should never have occurred.

And so, this summer, it was all about me. It was my turn to call the shots on my life without depending on others to create my happiness. See, one great lesson of this whole saga: never depend on someone for your happiness, because in the end, when it's gone, you'll cling on trying to find it, and when you realize you're not going to get it, well, then a part of you dies, for a long time.

This summer I made sure I kept busy, made sure I would be happy. Every weekend was spent catching up with old friends, hanging out, shopping. Every afternoon was spent working out. Every minute of my day was dedicated to creating my own happiness, with a little help along the way.

Sheep, Legally Blonde, Twilight

These three were the final stages to my recovery, to getting back to my old self, the one that started senior year with such promise. 

Sheep--that group of friends that saw everything, and still never left. Others discussed behind my back, some left, some grew tired of the constant self-pity, but the Sheep never left me-they were always there for me, and still are. I don't know where I'd be without these wonderful girls who have taught me the true meaning of friendship and love. I owe everything to these girls. They are my world.

Legally Blonde--the Broadway musical I was determined to hate and loved from the instant I saw it. Never have I been so inspired to get off my ass and actually do something for me, something to make me happy that didn't revolve around others' wants and wishes. Never have I been so inspired to be nice to everyone, regardless of how they treat me. When I saw it, something changed within me, it's like I got my old spunk back.

and finally... Twilight--I know I just read the series in less than a week, and it's your typical teen angst novel complete with vampires, but I fell in love with Edward Cullen (yes, a fictional vampire... get over). Not that I don't "fall in love" with other fictional characters from Jane Austen and JK Rowling, but this "crush" sort of confirmed the turnaround I've made. I haven't felt this way about anyone (yes, I KNOW, fictional) since, well, yeah... I know he's just a character, and I'm not honestly "in love" with him... please, I want him to stay with Bella in the end... but it's nice to know that I'm capable of feeling that way again... I mean, I always had crushes... from Kindergarten til Senior year... not having one just made my frantic emotional heart try and retreat to the old ones and harp on them... I didn't think I was able to like someone new, and this... this was nice. (YES, I KNOW, FICTIONAL CHARACTER.... NOT OBSESSING... JUST DESCRIBING A FEELING).

Anyways, and here I stand today, with a strong group of friends, a large pile of books, a definite major, a hopeful plan for the future, a drive for success, and the past behind me. I've recovered, and yeah, it took longer than it should've... but now I'm stronger. 

Oh, and I used to complain that I didn't smile the same way I did back during last May, but now, when I smile, it's even better, because it's someone who's truly happy with where she is and what she's become. Truly, I feel so blessed to feel this way, I just want to share it with everyone else.

In a daze...

Why does his face appear instead of the character I'm reading about?

I wonder if my face ever shows up...

I wonder that these characters are just as troubled as I am... and I wonder why my story can't end the same.

Well, that's simple. Because he's not a vampire.

I wish it was someone else's face though, I don't want to think about him.

Is this guy serious?

So, I'm friends with this guy on facebook. I have never met him, he is just a friend of a friend who needed something or other. Ok, I can't remember why exactly we're friends on facebook. We don't even talk.

But let me tell you-- he has gone through 3 or 4 girlfriends this summer, and claims to be heartbroken after every single one of them... and then 5 days later he's with someone else. What is this, the summer of a billion rebounds? 

Oh, who knows, right? Like I said, I don't know this guy. Who knows what's going on in his head? I just think it's quite strange...

I've Been Dreaming...

Waking up after a dream can sometimes be a truly terrible feeling. There are those bad dreams you have, nightmares that you want to wake up from, that you're relieved when you wake up, even if you're crying, or panting.... you might be a little affected, but mostly you're relieved when you wake up from a nightmare to find out it's not true.

The dreams I'm talking about are the ones that you don't want to wake up to--the ones where your current problems or issues are solved, or the ones that bring back something from your past that you threw to the back of your mind. Those are the dreams that leave you with that terrible feeling. You dream you're in the arms of someone wonderful, just to wake up to find it being just your pillow. You dream you're being serenaded with a beautiful song just to walk up and cover your ears from that droning car alarm. Waking up to reality sucks. And what's worse is images of that dream will follow you around for the day, like faded memories. And you just have to remember to keep your mouth shut.

Empowerment

I don't know what it is, but for some reason, listening to Legally Blonde: The Musical makes me want to actually do something. It gets me off my butt and into the gym or onto the treadmill. It gets me changing around my schedule and making things possible for me next semester. It gets me active, friendly, and best of all, happy. One of my old smiles sneaks across my face when I hear the music and I can just feel my old self coming back--the one that's optimistic, extremely active, and happy no matter what comes her way. What can I say? I love being the protagonist in my life =D

The Girl Code

I'm kind of interested in something, so please bare with me.

There's this code among girls.... one that's unspoken, and still known. Thou shalt detest the ex-boyfriends of thy friends. Whether your friends want you to or not, it's sort of the code. If someone breaks a friend's heart, girls stick together to try and glue it back together.

And it's funny... because the friends who liked the ex-boyfriend the most are also the ones who hate him the most, because they feel just as deceived, and disappointed in themselves. They saw their friend happy, and so they approved, and they made efforts to like him as well... so when that ex breaks their friend's heart, they feel like he tricked them as well. And these friends who care so much about their broken-hearted friend would want to do anything to save her... but all they can think of is going back in the past and changing what they thought of him, so maybe their friend could be more cautious. So yes, they hate him, and they'll do their best to convince their friend that she should think the same, because they're trying to make up for the fact that they made her feel secure when she was dating him. This is the code of girlfriends. It's what we do.

Mending Wall

I believe it was Robert Frost who wrote the famous poem about the mending wall. In the poem the wall divides the property of two men. This wall is made of rocks and every so often a storm comes and some rocks fall, so the two men each go to the wall and mend it--the only time they ever speak, while rebuilding the wall that divides them. They fix the wall and then both go back to their respective homes, only to see each other again when the wall needs mending...

So many meanings and ways to interpret... and yet I think it speaks for itself.

REAL Ramblings- started by Father Kenny's homily

It's amazing what happens when you actually listen to the homily at church. Usually I get lost in the words and eventually my thoughts trail to something entirely different and I'm confused when it's over. Lately, though, I've been paying attention to what the message really is, and today's hit me hard. I hate it when they talk about love. Love between family and friends is fine, but I hate when they talk about that other kind of love. If I want to feel that crappy about my love life all I have to do is run to a few select websites, look at a few pictures, and watch some chick flicks... but all that is done on free will. I don't go to church expecting to be sitting in the front row crying because Father Kenny says something so deep and true that I don't want to think about it.

But this post actually isn't about any of the above. While Father Kenny's homily did revolve mostly around a romantic love, and how knowing you're loved by someone like yourself is the best feeling in the world (are you starting to see why I was getting upset?), it also mentioned using love in your actions. The following could relate to a romantic option, but I choose not to see it as such. You see, there's that chance that we all have to take to be the first one to speak. Sometimes it is saying I love you, but most of the time it's sitting next to someone in a class, and having the courage to introduce yourself. It's going to a party and finding that one person by themselves in the corner, and starting to talk with them. Sure, we risk seeming silly, desperate, even overly happy... and we're going to be hurt and disappointed sometimes... but that hurt and disappointment is often surpassed by the feeling we get of reaching out to people, of being loving people who are willing to talk to others. I mean, just think... if you don't say something than you forfeit any future relationship with that person. They could've been your new best friend, a good study buddy, someone who understands your situation, or your next relationship. The thing is, we don't know unless we talk to them first. We can't always just sit on the side and say nothing and hope it will all come to us.

I could go on, there's so much more to ramble about. Well, it's about time I stuck to what this blog really is-ramblings, no backspace. It's ok to seem crazy and hyper on here. So, I will go on.

You see, Father Kenny started his homily talking about people who don't talk for awhile... they give each other the silent treatment. I guess this is another thing where it takes courage to actually be the first person to talk again. I mean, I could give a million examples of this... my own and some of friends. I'm not mentioning names, but I will give examples of some situations I know of. I'm sorry if you're offended that I use your story.

There's a friend of mine who has an ex-boyfriend, and they had tried the friends thing, but it didn't work out too well, so she stopped talking to him. Every time they tried to talk things got worse. Three years later she's with some other amazing guy, and he decides that it's time they hang out again. And so they take that risk... that risk of making things worse again, that risk of being hurt again, they take the risk to cure any animosity between them. And who knows what lies ahead for them? They could end up being really good friends.

I've got another friend who liked her best friend, but once he started dating someone else she got really mad and the two didn't talk for six months at least. They are now best friends and share everything with each other, and are always there for each other... but would that have happened if one of them didn't have the guts to start speaking to each other again?

How about when it involves a HUGE fight? When two people say hurtful things towards each other, and he tells her that he doesn't want to speak with her, possibly forever and that he doesn't care how she feels, he can't. Don't you think, maybe for her, it eventually became better that she stopped leaving messages she knew would not be answered? Stopping communication can be just as hard as starting it sometimes. By not starting a conversation you risk the wonder of what two people could be to each other, by not stopping it you risk continuing a damaging relationship. That can be difficult as well. 

And what happens when they do talk again? Do they keep see-sawing through this crazy mess? Do they choose to end it all for good? Do they choose to try again... to remove the animosity and to live like they might have before that huge fight... or fights as this might be? 

And what about apologies? By being the first to apologize does the other person forgo that obligation? I never think that its only one person's fault. But by being the first to apologize, is that person forced to accept that they may never get an apology, and just forgive and forget and let it all go? I mean, that would be best, I'm sure. Apologies are really nice to get, but I guess they have to be meant. And so, does courage mean moving on without an apology? I mean... the two aren't in a relationship, they aren't best friends, they barely know each other anymore... wouldn't it be fair to say that it would all be better to forgive and forget and move on... right? 

Ramblings without a backspace... that's what this is. Just what's going through my head. And the funny thing is I act completely different from what I say here and that's because this is just a bunch of writing... pretty words that don't make sense in real life. Ramblings... that's all they are... I wouldn't take it too seriously.

Shop-Therapy Day

What should one do when they're feeling down and unsure of their feelings? Shop. No, seriously, it's the best thing in the world. Nothing is quite so uplifting than feeling down about yourself and going shopping to boost your self-confidence with new shirts. Nothing helps more to make you feel like you've accomplished something than to buy needed objects such as make-up wedges and a new razor. Nothing helps take away the current stink of life than 4 new Bath and Body Works body splashes. Nothing makes you feel more successful than being able to spend this money. And nothing heals loneliness better than spending the day, shopping with your friends.

Attempting to Make Sense

I'm not sure what's going on... and that scares me. 

Present... think in the present... think in the present....

Ok, just concentrate and all is fine. 

I know this is short... but its all I got with 3 hours of sleep and a full day of work.

Looking in the Diary

I went through my diary tonight... had something to write (first entry this year) and ending up flipping through the pages, and I've come to some conclusions.

I was once extremely pathetic-entirely. As my diary portrays me, I was always eager to see a happy ending that I didn't let the possibility of reality into my head. That's why I was so shocked once reality hit me, that's why I was so hurt, for so long. Sure, I knew what was coming, but from what I see, I truly believed that it was going to work out for the best, and I was willing to try. I will say, while I find myself pathetic, I do admire the fact that I was so willing to keep trying and make things work. I admired the fact that I wasn't going to give up. For someone who is usually so lazy, I wanted to work at things. I do admire that, despite what it cost me.

Well, let's see... almost a year since I wrote those entries... someone I hated then, said I never wanted to talk to has become a good confidant... someone I adored became someone I despised, among other feelings... someone who I thought I could trust had revealed a different side I'm not all too sure I like... and in all honesty... I'm happier now... if only... but no... I can't say that. I mean, secrets such as those aren't meant for the Internet... those go into another diary entry, to be read next year, when my emotions and feelings have changed yet again.

The Luck of the Germans

So, I'm going to reaffirm my belief in the power of four-leaf clovers. After my grandfather died I was outside and asked for a sign that he was in heaven. I then found a four-leaf clover, which reminded me of the bar outside his old apartment. I took that as a sign. Since then when I find a four-leaf clover, I know my grandpa is looking down on me.

I was having a bad day today. For some reason I was feeling down and upset, hurt and depressed.. for no particular reason. There are so many things I want right now, and I just didn't think anything was possible. I got better throughout the day, and then tonight while I was walking Keeper I found another four-leaf clover. And suddenly, suddenly everything is ok.

A Designer Vahge

Apparently it is the new trend in LA for women to have plastic surgery on their vaginas. They want their vaginas to be prettier, and I have to ask why. Are they trying to seduce their gynecologist? Because, I really don't think many men will spend their time marveling at how pretty a woman's vagina is... I'm sure they have something else on their mind.

Another new trend is revirgination, where the doctor tightens the muscles in a woman's vagina and sews up her hymen. One lady had this done as an anniversary gift for her husband. And I quote, "because a boob job just wasn't enough." Wow, congratulations lady... you just made it into Webster's dictionary as the definition for trophy wife.

I wonder what the church has to say about this one. If a woman can keep revirginating herself, than technically she can argue that her marriage was never consummated and now has an excuse to get a divorce. How very peculiar. What's even odder are going to be the women claiming their child is the new baby Jesus, because they are still virgins, yet they gave birth. Fascinating. 

653 Emails

I was going through my Sent messages today in my email, and scrolling down to the bottom, it started in 2004... and I thought, wow, these are really old. So I skimmed through all 653 emails that I had once sent... some short, some long, some funny, some serious and sad, some I'm ashamed of, and some that I would keep... I skimmed through all of them, and saw high school again. 

And then, once I read the ones with important titles, once I realized what they were doing to me, once I knew what they would keep doing to me, I clicked on the select all button and deleted them, every last one, all 653 emails, because the past should stay in the delete bin... we should never go back.

A New Guilty Pleasure and My Hypocrisy

When last we visited NY I refused to see Grease because I didn't like the way they chose the stars based on a television show. I now find myself highly amused and interested in MTV's Legally Blonde: Search for Elle Woods. Surprisingly enough, I really enjoy the songs from the show, and find them stuck in my head often. So, see, now I'm a hypocrite, because this TV show now makes me want to see the Broadway show when I visit NYC in a few weeks.

Short blog today, but I'll leave you with this: "Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. But today is a gift, that is why it is called 'present'."

Getting Used to the Present

Someone once said that change is the only constant in the universe; it's something we all have to get used to and something we all have to accept. Our lives are full of changes: switching schools, new friends, new relationships, deaths, breakups, natural disasters... these are all facts of life. 

But there is nothing worse, no day worse, than the morning after. Sleep seems to have this amazing power over us-- it makes us calm, makes us forget sometimes. So, something happens... let's make this one a natural disaster. A storm hits one day, and most of your possessions are lost. After long hours of trying to recuperate and find what was lost it's time to sleep. In your dreams, nothing of the day before reaches your slumbering mind... in dreams you're happy... and then you wake up the next morning... and like a tidal wave, reality hits, and you realize the day must continue without things being the way they used to be. 

Time helps... with this natural disaster, time washes away the effects and the debris... but sometimes it's hard not the miss what was lost. A storm takes away the home you spent 12 years building, remodeling, and decorating... years later even, you're in a new home, starting over again, but you can't seem to find that perfect shade of green your curtains once were... you can stare at that curtain for the longest time, but the color isn't going to change. You just have to get used to it.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Well, God, you know, I can't change the way people feel about me, and I can't change what they say about me. Those choices and feelings are up to them entirely, and I can't force anything. I cannot force someone to respond to any message I send, and it is impossible to control everyone's thoughts so as to make sure that no one is talking about me behind my back. These are all truths that must be known.

I can, however, change the way I feel about others. I can stop making it a priority in my day to try and decipher what anyone might be thinking about me. I can change the way I act towards others and therefore, in some respect, possibly end up changing the way they think about me. Most importantly, however, I can change the way I think about myself, build my own self-esteem and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. And this is my plan.

Midnight wonders

I wasn't so sure of what to write today... several ideas passed through my mind, but I am no longer at a sound enough state of mind to elaborate on them. So here are a few that might not get a second chance to be mentioned:

1) I'm highly disappointed in Mr. Knightly. In the first few chapters of Emma he may be the only one critiquing her, but he doesn't seem to do so to improve her for herself, rather, to make her the perfect match for him. I'm sure, in ways, he loves her for who she is and how she reacts to his criticisms. I just read it, at first, as him seeking the perfect wife. He admits she already looks pretty, now he just has to form her actions... I know he'll probably improve upon further reading... Mr. Darcy was a jackass at first...

2) I think it would be rather awesome to have lived in a past century... the clothes, the proper manners, the calling cards... spending more time out of doors than inside on the Internet or watching TV... If I ever find a place where you can pay to live in a different past world for a week, I would do so in an instant.

3) There's a thin line between being busy and ignoring someone. We send letters (these days facebook messages) they receive no reply. Sometimes, in an eager mood to condemn or to think ill of ourselves, we convince ourselves that the person is ignoring us... days go by and we assume we'll never get a response... and many times it is the case that I never get a response. But then, sometimes, we are so quick to condemn that we don't realize someone might be busy... too busy to respond to our messages, and then too busy to even remember we sent them. But that can't always be the case. So, is it safe to say that we can get a little angry when we don't get a reply, a little disappointed, so long as we don't act on that disappointment and take it out on them? Maybe sometimes a message doesn't need a response... but we still want one to prove that our correspondence is welcome... that we're important, that we exist... it all goes back to 1776 after all... "Is anybody there? Does anybody care?"

4) The country should ban fireworks in residential neighborhoods after midnight. Too often do the community college kids next door choose to set fireworks off at 1AM... even on 4th of July, you can do it much earlier.

Last 4th of July

The Fourth of July was never a huge holiday for my family--we never did very much. We watch 1776 and we eat burgers and hot dogs. Last year I was still dating Luke, and he and I were already on the rocks... for about a month then. 

We went to see the fireworks at  City Walk, and took Patricia with us. I used to love fireworks, but now I can barely stand them. I was cranky and made a big deal out of the smallest things. It wasn't good at all. And then, sitting in the car for an hour, waiting for traffic to pass, I spent the entire time text-fighting with him on the phone while Patricia sat in the back, pretending not to realize what was going on.

People keep asking what my traditions are for 4th of July, and I always tell them how I spent it last year. I always say it casually, but for some reason it just washed over me tonight. I hate who I was back then and how I acted... I hate thinking about it and I hate trying to decipher it, because then I just realize how much of a screw up I was and how much I could have avoided things. I know, I get it, use the new knowledge to move on and be better next time... but the truth... the real truth is that I'm deathly afraid of a next time. I'm afraid of how I'll act, afraid of hurting more people, but most importantly afraid of screwing myself up even more.

Mourning the Loss of Nature

In my last house we had a huge piece of land right outside our window, and I loved to go outside and dance and sing and run around this piece of nature. I used to like to sit outside and feel the wind on my face and think how beautiful and calm nature was. That was in middle school.

In high school I began to pay less attention to nature during the day, and more attention to nature during the night. I became infatuated with stars and constellations, and I tried not to let a night pass without wishing on a star. In high school I thought nothing was more peaceful than walking barefoot in the cold grass and looking up at the stars. 

In college I pay little attention to the nature that surrounds me. Every now and then I find myself sitting by a tree in the Plaza, but mostly I am unaware of God's nature. I would close my curtains when the sun would set, because the light would glare too much on my computer screen. Seriously, I cannot believe I thought like that. 

I was outside today, listening to the wind, walking on the cold grass, and missing the old times when I could appreciate the simple beauty of the nature around me. Now I look for more complicated ways to my happiness--ways that involve spending money or depending on someone else. How sad it is that I've lost the ability to find happiness through the wonders of nature.