We went to see the fireworks at City Walk, and took Patricia with us. I used to love fireworks, but now I can barely stand them. I was cranky and made a big deal out of the smallest things. It wasn't good at all. And then, sitting in the car for an hour, waiting for traffic to pass, I spent the entire time text-fighting with him on the phone while Patricia sat in the back, pretending not to realize what was going on.
People keep asking what my traditions are for 4th of July, and I always tell them how I spent it last year. I always say it casually, but for some reason it just washed over me tonight. I hate who I was back then and how I acted... I hate thinking about it and I hate trying to decipher it, because then I just realize how much of a screw up I was and how much I could have avoided things. I know, I get it, use the new knowledge to move on and be better next time... but the truth... the real truth is that I'm deathly afraid of a next time. I'm afraid of how I'll act, afraid of hurting more people, but most importantly afraid of screwing myself up even more.
1 comment:
You can't please everybody all of the time, you can only please some people some of the time. Don't let one instance drive you crazy. You've got to explore and you've got to get off of your ass and try again. And you have to remember that the people who love you WILL forgive you--just don't take that for granted. If you let all of your inhibitions eat away at you, you'll never get anywhere. Sometimes you've just gotta forget who you WERE and remember that you're no longer that person. An entire year of experiences has altered you. It's not like you're Rip Van WInkle.
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