Shades of Pink

It's been a while since I truly blushed, and in one week my face has twice turned a darker shade of pink than my worst sunburn. Why does it feel like I'm in high school or, worse, middle school again? I get butterflies in my stomach, short of breath, feel like my heart is in my throat, and, yes... blush like hell. I'd prefer the sensation go away.

Popping the Bubble

I find that it's impossible to pretend certain realities don't exist. I find it's impossible to pretend that some things never happened... that your past didn't really happen... that you never overreact...that you're all better. 

A bubble can go awhile without being affected... it sees everything around it, but nothing can affect it, until, one sudden movement.... the wrong breeze, something in the way... something makes it pop... and all within it escapes. 

I hate the way I am. I hate how I sometimes choose to view the world and to view others and I hate how that affects both my life and the lives of people I care about. So for now I'm gonna overreact... and I'm gonna be upset... and I'm gonna cry like I haven't cried for a really long time... because I was hurt... whether it be intentional or unintentional... I was hurt, and I am gonna react... a blog, a status change on facebook, an angry away message, and me locked alone in my room.... and in a few minutes or hours I can easily reconstruct that bubble, and try really hard not to let it pop again.

River Flows In You

When I tell my itunes to list my songs in order from most played to least the top song reads "River Flows In You" which I have owned for 2 days and already it has been played over 80 times. I wish I could properly explain my love, nay, infatuation with this song. I'm not usually a fan of songs that have no lyrics. This song, though lyric-less, still tells a compelling story--different to every person who listens to it. When I listen to it I find it easy to imagine a meadow and two people dancing in the middle, with leaves falling around them. They're free because no one is watching, and eventually they realize they have to go back to reality, away from the dance. 

Other than the beautiful images that form in my mind, this song is ridiculously calming, soothing, comforting. When it plays I feel like all the stress is lifted off my shoulders, like I don't have to worry about how busy the week is... because somehow everything will be ok, everything will get done, and I can sort of dance through life in my own little meadow before returning back to the crazy world.

Words I'll Never Say

I just want you to know that I think you're one of the coolest people up here. You're nice to everyone, you do all the jobs no one wants to. I just think you're kind of perfect, and I think it kinda sucks that I'll probably never say this and that I prefer keeping these things to myself these days... I really don't want to jump into the fray with everyone else competing for your attention. I don't think I have the heart to fight for you. But I want you to know that I enjoy watching everyone else try, and I enjoy your kind gestures towards them, and I enjoy their snarls at each other from behind your back. I enjoy watching this all with my little secret and how glad I am knowing that I'm not one of those girls.

The Shower

It's late, I have to wake up in less than 8 hours, I'm tired, I'm stressed. That's when I know I should shower. The showers here are small, not much room to move around in, so you sorta just stand in one spot and let the water pour down on you. It's so calming. I tend to get lost in it sometimes.... I think about the day, I think about tomorrow... I think a lot. Sometimes it's personal, other times it's more worldly, but I always think. The great part is, my thoughts flow just like the water... nice and steady, simple, nothing too complicated, just perfect. It's so calming in the shower, it's my own 6' by 6' paradise in the early morning hours.

Pissed Beyond Explanation

I doubt I can explain this to ay degree without going through all details... not only would that take forever, but that would also have me betray secrets--both others' and my own. So I'm just going to say this--

There are some people who I thought were really good people, who I trusted, who I now refer to as some of the lowest scumbags of the earth--people who use others for their own benefit, and people who let themselves be used, despite their knowledge of the fact. Ugh--I'm sick of it and I want nothing to do with them anymore. Being around this kind of crap just brings me down further and further.