In a daze...

Why does his face appear instead of the character I'm reading about?

I wonder if my face ever shows up...

I wonder that these characters are just as troubled as I am... and I wonder why my story can't end the same.

Well, that's simple. Because he's not a vampire.

I wish it was someone else's face though, I don't want to think about him.

Is this guy serious?

So, I'm friends with this guy on facebook. I have never met him, he is just a friend of a friend who needed something or other. Ok, I can't remember why exactly we're friends on facebook. We don't even talk.

But let me tell you-- he has gone through 3 or 4 girlfriends this summer, and claims to be heartbroken after every single one of them... and then 5 days later he's with someone else. What is this, the summer of a billion rebounds? 

Oh, who knows, right? Like I said, I don't know this guy. Who knows what's going on in his head? I just think it's quite strange...

I've Been Dreaming...

Waking up after a dream can sometimes be a truly terrible feeling. There are those bad dreams you have, nightmares that you want to wake up from, that you're relieved when you wake up, even if you're crying, or panting.... you might be a little affected, but mostly you're relieved when you wake up from a nightmare to find out it's not true.

The dreams I'm talking about are the ones that you don't want to wake up to--the ones where your current problems or issues are solved, or the ones that bring back something from your past that you threw to the back of your mind. Those are the dreams that leave you with that terrible feeling. You dream you're in the arms of someone wonderful, just to wake up to find it being just your pillow. You dream you're being serenaded with a beautiful song just to walk up and cover your ears from that droning car alarm. Waking up to reality sucks. And what's worse is images of that dream will follow you around for the day, like faded memories. And you just have to remember to keep your mouth shut.

Empowerment

I don't know what it is, but for some reason, listening to Legally Blonde: The Musical makes me want to actually do something. It gets me off my butt and into the gym or onto the treadmill. It gets me changing around my schedule and making things possible for me next semester. It gets me active, friendly, and best of all, happy. One of my old smiles sneaks across my face when I hear the music and I can just feel my old self coming back--the one that's optimistic, extremely active, and happy no matter what comes her way. What can I say? I love being the protagonist in my life =D

The Girl Code

I'm kind of interested in something, so please bare with me.

There's this code among girls.... one that's unspoken, and still known. Thou shalt detest the ex-boyfriends of thy friends. Whether your friends want you to or not, it's sort of the code. If someone breaks a friend's heart, girls stick together to try and glue it back together.

And it's funny... because the friends who liked the ex-boyfriend the most are also the ones who hate him the most, because they feel just as deceived, and disappointed in themselves. They saw their friend happy, and so they approved, and they made efforts to like him as well... so when that ex breaks their friend's heart, they feel like he tricked them as well. And these friends who care so much about their broken-hearted friend would want to do anything to save her... but all they can think of is going back in the past and changing what they thought of him, so maybe their friend could be more cautious. So yes, they hate him, and they'll do their best to convince their friend that she should think the same, because they're trying to make up for the fact that they made her feel secure when she was dating him. This is the code of girlfriends. It's what we do.

Mending Wall

I believe it was Robert Frost who wrote the famous poem about the mending wall. In the poem the wall divides the property of two men. This wall is made of rocks and every so often a storm comes and some rocks fall, so the two men each go to the wall and mend it--the only time they ever speak, while rebuilding the wall that divides them. They fix the wall and then both go back to their respective homes, only to see each other again when the wall needs mending...

So many meanings and ways to interpret... and yet I think it speaks for itself.

REAL Ramblings- started by Father Kenny's homily

It's amazing what happens when you actually listen to the homily at church. Usually I get lost in the words and eventually my thoughts trail to something entirely different and I'm confused when it's over. Lately, though, I've been paying attention to what the message really is, and today's hit me hard. I hate it when they talk about love. Love between family and friends is fine, but I hate when they talk about that other kind of love. If I want to feel that crappy about my love life all I have to do is run to a few select websites, look at a few pictures, and watch some chick flicks... but all that is done on free will. I don't go to church expecting to be sitting in the front row crying because Father Kenny says something so deep and true that I don't want to think about it.

But this post actually isn't about any of the above. While Father Kenny's homily did revolve mostly around a romantic love, and how knowing you're loved by someone like yourself is the best feeling in the world (are you starting to see why I was getting upset?), it also mentioned using love in your actions. The following could relate to a romantic option, but I choose not to see it as such. You see, there's that chance that we all have to take to be the first one to speak. Sometimes it is saying I love you, but most of the time it's sitting next to someone in a class, and having the courage to introduce yourself. It's going to a party and finding that one person by themselves in the corner, and starting to talk with them. Sure, we risk seeming silly, desperate, even overly happy... and we're going to be hurt and disappointed sometimes... but that hurt and disappointment is often surpassed by the feeling we get of reaching out to people, of being loving people who are willing to talk to others. I mean, just think... if you don't say something than you forfeit any future relationship with that person. They could've been your new best friend, a good study buddy, someone who understands your situation, or your next relationship. The thing is, we don't know unless we talk to them first. We can't always just sit on the side and say nothing and hope it will all come to us.

I could go on, there's so much more to ramble about. Well, it's about time I stuck to what this blog really is-ramblings, no backspace. It's ok to seem crazy and hyper on here. So, I will go on.

You see, Father Kenny started his homily talking about people who don't talk for awhile... they give each other the silent treatment. I guess this is another thing where it takes courage to actually be the first person to talk again. I mean, I could give a million examples of this... my own and some of friends. I'm not mentioning names, but I will give examples of some situations I know of. I'm sorry if you're offended that I use your story.

There's a friend of mine who has an ex-boyfriend, and they had tried the friends thing, but it didn't work out too well, so she stopped talking to him. Every time they tried to talk things got worse. Three years later she's with some other amazing guy, and he decides that it's time they hang out again. And so they take that risk... that risk of making things worse again, that risk of being hurt again, they take the risk to cure any animosity between them. And who knows what lies ahead for them? They could end up being really good friends.

I've got another friend who liked her best friend, but once he started dating someone else she got really mad and the two didn't talk for six months at least. They are now best friends and share everything with each other, and are always there for each other... but would that have happened if one of them didn't have the guts to start speaking to each other again?

How about when it involves a HUGE fight? When two people say hurtful things towards each other, and he tells her that he doesn't want to speak with her, possibly forever and that he doesn't care how she feels, he can't. Don't you think, maybe for her, it eventually became better that she stopped leaving messages she knew would not be answered? Stopping communication can be just as hard as starting it sometimes. By not starting a conversation you risk the wonder of what two people could be to each other, by not stopping it you risk continuing a damaging relationship. That can be difficult as well. 

And what happens when they do talk again? Do they keep see-sawing through this crazy mess? Do they choose to end it all for good? Do they choose to try again... to remove the animosity and to live like they might have before that huge fight... or fights as this might be? 

And what about apologies? By being the first to apologize does the other person forgo that obligation? I never think that its only one person's fault. But by being the first to apologize, is that person forced to accept that they may never get an apology, and just forgive and forget and let it all go? I mean, that would be best, I'm sure. Apologies are really nice to get, but I guess they have to be meant. And so, does courage mean moving on without an apology? I mean... the two aren't in a relationship, they aren't best friends, they barely know each other anymore... wouldn't it be fair to say that it would all be better to forgive and forget and move on... right? 

Ramblings without a backspace... that's what this is. Just what's going through my head. And the funny thing is I act completely different from what I say here and that's because this is just a bunch of writing... pretty words that don't make sense in real life. Ramblings... that's all they are... I wouldn't take it too seriously.

Shop-Therapy Day

What should one do when they're feeling down and unsure of their feelings? Shop. No, seriously, it's the best thing in the world. Nothing is quite so uplifting than feeling down about yourself and going shopping to boost your self-confidence with new shirts. Nothing helps more to make you feel like you've accomplished something than to buy needed objects such as make-up wedges and a new razor. Nothing helps take away the current stink of life than 4 new Bath and Body Works body splashes. Nothing makes you feel more successful than being able to spend this money. And nothing heals loneliness better than spending the day, shopping with your friends.

Attempting to Make Sense

I'm not sure what's going on... and that scares me. 

Present... think in the present... think in the present....

Ok, just concentrate and all is fine. 

I know this is short... but its all I got with 3 hours of sleep and a full day of work.

Looking in the Diary

I went through my diary tonight... had something to write (first entry this year) and ending up flipping through the pages, and I've come to some conclusions.

I was once extremely pathetic-entirely. As my diary portrays me, I was always eager to see a happy ending that I didn't let the possibility of reality into my head. That's why I was so shocked once reality hit me, that's why I was so hurt, for so long. Sure, I knew what was coming, but from what I see, I truly believed that it was going to work out for the best, and I was willing to try. I will say, while I find myself pathetic, I do admire the fact that I was so willing to keep trying and make things work. I admired the fact that I wasn't going to give up. For someone who is usually so lazy, I wanted to work at things. I do admire that, despite what it cost me.

Well, let's see... almost a year since I wrote those entries... someone I hated then, said I never wanted to talk to has become a good confidant... someone I adored became someone I despised, among other feelings... someone who I thought I could trust had revealed a different side I'm not all too sure I like... and in all honesty... I'm happier now... if only... but no... I can't say that. I mean, secrets such as those aren't meant for the Internet... those go into another diary entry, to be read next year, when my emotions and feelings have changed yet again.

The Luck of the Germans

So, I'm going to reaffirm my belief in the power of four-leaf clovers. After my grandfather died I was outside and asked for a sign that he was in heaven. I then found a four-leaf clover, which reminded me of the bar outside his old apartment. I took that as a sign. Since then when I find a four-leaf clover, I know my grandpa is looking down on me.

I was having a bad day today. For some reason I was feeling down and upset, hurt and depressed.. for no particular reason. There are so many things I want right now, and I just didn't think anything was possible. I got better throughout the day, and then tonight while I was walking Keeper I found another four-leaf clover. And suddenly, suddenly everything is ok.

A Designer Vahge

Apparently it is the new trend in LA for women to have plastic surgery on their vaginas. They want their vaginas to be prettier, and I have to ask why. Are they trying to seduce their gynecologist? Because, I really don't think many men will spend their time marveling at how pretty a woman's vagina is... I'm sure they have something else on their mind.

Another new trend is revirgination, where the doctor tightens the muscles in a woman's vagina and sews up her hymen. One lady had this done as an anniversary gift for her husband. And I quote, "because a boob job just wasn't enough." Wow, congratulations lady... you just made it into Webster's dictionary as the definition for trophy wife.

I wonder what the church has to say about this one. If a woman can keep revirginating herself, than technically she can argue that her marriage was never consummated and now has an excuse to get a divorce. How very peculiar. What's even odder are going to be the women claiming their child is the new baby Jesus, because they are still virgins, yet they gave birth. Fascinating. 

653 Emails

I was going through my Sent messages today in my email, and scrolling down to the bottom, it started in 2004... and I thought, wow, these are really old. So I skimmed through all 653 emails that I had once sent... some short, some long, some funny, some serious and sad, some I'm ashamed of, and some that I would keep... I skimmed through all of them, and saw high school again. 

And then, once I read the ones with important titles, once I realized what they were doing to me, once I knew what they would keep doing to me, I clicked on the select all button and deleted them, every last one, all 653 emails, because the past should stay in the delete bin... we should never go back.

A New Guilty Pleasure and My Hypocrisy

When last we visited NY I refused to see Grease because I didn't like the way they chose the stars based on a television show. I now find myself highly amused and interested in MTV's Legally Blonde: Search for Elle Woods. Surprisingly enough, I really enjoy the songs from the show, and find them stuck in my head often. So, see, now I'm a hypocrite, because this TV show now makes me want to see the Broadway show when I visit NYC in a few weeks.

Short blog today, but I'll leave you with this: "Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. But today is a gift, that is why it is called 'present'."

Getting Used to the Present

Someone once said that change is the only constant in the universe; it's something we all have to get used to and something we all have to accept. Our lives are full of changes: switching schools, new friends, new relationships, deaths, breakups, natural disasters... these are all facts of life. 

But there is nothing worse, no day worse, than the morning after. Sleep seems to have this amazing power over us-- it makes us calm, makes us forget sometimes. So, something happens... let's make this one a natural disaster. A storm hits one day, and most of your possessions are lost. After long hours of trying to recuperate and find what was lost it's time to sleep. In your dreams, nothing of the day before reaches your slumbering mind... in dreams you're happy... and then you wake up the next morning... and like a tidal wave, reality hits, and you realize the day must continue without things being the way they used to be. 

Time helps... with this natural disaster, time washes away the effects and the debris... but sometimes it's hard not the miss what was lost. A storm takes away the home you spent 12 years building, remodeling, and decorating... years later even, you're in a new home, starting over again, but you can't seem to find that perfect shade of green your curtains once were... you can stare at that curtain for the longest time, but the color isn't going to change. You just have to get used to it.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Well, God, you know, I can't change the way people feel about me, and I can't change what they say about me. Those choices and feelings are up to them entirely, and I can't force anything. I cannot force someone to respond to any message I send, and it is impossible to control everyone's thoughts so as to make sure that no one is talking about me behind my back. These are all truths that must be known.

I can, however, change the way I feel about others. I can stop making it a priority in my day to try and decipher what anyone might be thinking about me. I can change the way I act towards others and therefore, in some respect, possibly end up changing the way they think about me. Most importantly, however, I can change the way I think about myself, build my own self-esteem and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. And this is my plan.

Midnight wonders

I wasn't so sure of what to write today... several ideas passed through my mind, but I am no longer at a sound enough state of mind to elaborate on them. So here are a few that might not get a second chance to be mentioned:

1) I'm highly disappointed in Mr. Knightly. In the first few chapters of Emma he may be the only one critiquing her, but he doesn't seem to do so to improve her for herself, rather, to make her the perfect match for him. I'm sure, in ways, he loves her for who she is and how she reacts to his criticisms. I just read it, at first, as him seeking the perfect wife. He admits she already looks pretty, now he just has to form her actions... I know he'll probably improve upon further reading... Mr. Darcy was a jackass at first...

2) I think it would be rather awesome to have lived in a past century... the clothes, the proper manners, the calling cards... spending more time out of doors than inside on the Internet or watching TV... If I ever find a place where you can pay to live in a different past world for a week, I would do so in an instant.

3) There's a thin line between being busy and ignoring someone. We send letters (these days facebook messages) they receive no reply. Sometimes, in an eager mood to condemn or to think ill of ourselves, we convince ourselves that the person is ignoring us... days go by and we assume we'll never get a response... and many times it is the case that I never get a response. But then, sometimes, we are so quick to condemn that we don't realize someone might be busy... too busy to respond to our messages, and then too busy to even remember we sent them. But that can't always be the case. So, is it safe to say that we can get a little angry when we don't get a reply, a little disappointed, so long as we don't act on that disappointment and take it out on them? Maybe sometimes a message doesn't need a response... but we still want one to prove that our correspondence is welcome... that we're important, that we exist... it all goes back to 1776 after all... "Is anybody there? Does anybody care?"

4) The country should ban fireworks in residential neighborhoods after midnight. Too often do the community college kids next door choose to set fireworks off at 1AM... even on 4th of July, you can do it much earlier.

Last 4th of July

The Fourth of July was never a huge holiday for my family--we never did very much. We watch 1776 and we eat burgers and hot dogs. Last year I was still dating Luke, and he and I were already on the rocks... for about a month then. 

We went to see the fireworks at  City Walk, and took Patricia with us. I used to love fireworks, but now I can barely stand them. I was cranky and made a big deal out of the smallest things. It wasn't good at all. And then, sitting in the car for an hour, waiting for traffic to pass, I spent the entire time text-fighting with him on the phone while Patricia sat in the back, pretending not to realize what was going on.

People keep asking what my traditions are for 4th of July, and I always tell them how I spent it last year. I always say it casually, but for some reason it just washed over me tonight. I hate who I was back then and how I acted... I hate thinking about it and I hate trying to decipher it, because then I just realize how much of a screw up I was and how much I could have avoided things. I know, I get it, use the new knowledge to move on and be better next time... but the truth... the real truth is that I'm deathly afraid of a next time. I'm afraid of how I'll act, afraid of hurting more people, but most importantly afraid of screwing myself up even more.

Mourning the Loss of Nature

In my last house we had a huge piece of land right outside our window, and I loved to go outside and dance and sing and run around this piece of nature. I used to like to sit outside and feel the wind on my face and think how beautiful and calm nature was. That was in middle school.

In high school I began to pay less attention to nature during the day, and more attention to nature during the night. I became infatuated with stars and constellations, and I tried not to let a night pass without wishing on a star. In high school I thought nothing was more peaceful than walking barefoot in the cold grass and looking up at the stars. 

In college I pay little attention to the nature that surrounds me. Every now and then I find myself sitting by a tree in the Plaza, but mostly I am unaware of God's nature. I would close my curtains when the sun would set, because the light would glare too much on my computer screen. Seriously, I cannot believe I thought like that. 

I was outside today, listening to the wind, walking on the cold grass, and missing the old times when I could appreciate the simple beauty of the nature around me. Now I look for more complicated ways to my happiness--ways that involve spending money or depending on someone else. How sad it is that I've lost the ability to find happiness through the wonders of nature.