Left Out

My big doesn't think friends should be made twins in APhiO. Not only do they tend to make less friends than others, but they also exclude their own friends. They form a twin bond that forces them to exclude others who might have been included. I hate that. I hate being the one out of the loop, the individual, the ugly duckling, the third wheel. I HATE it. I miss the sheep more than ever.

Too Lovey Dovey, Too Heart Broken

Facebook is great for stalking people, whether you know them or not. It's fun to see someone's life that isn't your own. It's fun to not be the most dramatic person in the galaxy. It's fun to see someone act the same way you once did, and fun to know that you're not alone.

Today's random stalking includes a couple who is sickeningly in love with each other as well as a couple who broke up at the wrong time for the guy.

The first couple is all shmoopsy woopsy, lovey dovey, I love you, no, I love you more kinda couple. Ok... it's just getting sick. There are other ways of showing you love someone than just saying constantly that you love each other... because once you drop the facade of this shmoopsy gimmicky crap you realize you have nothing to go on. I'm talking about the people who go into relationships, just to be in a relationship... the people who need someone else, need to be told they're loved without feeling any regard for themselves. They depend on others to love them, so when they get in one of those "I love you" "No, I love you more" fights, they only continue to be assured that the other person will keep going. 

I have a friend who was hurt because his girlfriend was one of these people. He would assure her every day how much he loved her, because it was what he grew to know as what she wanted to hear. He followed her wherever she went, because she wanted company... but soon enough she found company with other people, other guys she preferred, and she found other people to say "I love you" and she grew tired of him, and dumped him. I wonder sometimes if she ever loved him, or if it was just that she loved being told she was loved. She found another guy soon enough... and once again, she's "in love" with him, that is, until she finds someone else to tell her she's the most loved creature in the world.

So then there's this other couple, complete strangers that facebook seemed to think I knew. They just broke up, and the guy left a long message on his facebook, similar to one I left last August, about how terrible it was to have all the memories flowing in your head. And it sucks, it really does suck. Lord, I remember those memories rushing to my brain, I remember crying so much beyond my control, far beyond sleep, ugh, it was terrible. Never again... and it hurts to see other people go through the same thing... even if I don't know them. I hate to think that there are so many people in this world who go through the terrors of a bad breakup. And I wonder if they know how to handle it. 

The thing is, when that lovey dovey person finally finds someone who she loves as well, if he breaks up with her and breaks her heart, well, will she have the self-confidence needed to get her through it? Can someone who depends so much on others be able to bring themselves back up? My experience tells me otherwise. My experience shows that you cannot depend on others for your own happiness, because as much as they'll be there for you in the beginning, if you can't bring yourself up soon, they'll get sick of it and abandon you, and you're alone again. 

Relationships are great and all, friendships are even better, and family tends to always be there for you, but no matter what, you cannot depend on others to always bring you back up. You need to find your own self confidence, and you need to survive on your own. You need to look in the mirror and say "I'm beautiful", you need to look at your accomplishments and say "I've done well", you need to look at your past and say "It's over", and you need to look at your future and realize you can do anything. That way you'll never be too lovey dovey or too heartbroken.

China prefers the cute girl

So apparently at the China Opening Ceremonies this adorable little girl sang her way into the hearts of viewers... or did she? The young girl we all saw and loved was moving her lips to the voice of a different little girl, a girl with buckteeth, short hair, and a pudgy little face. This other little girl was all set to perform, up until dress rehearsal, when Chinese officials decided she wasn't the image they wanted to show the world. So she was cut, but they still used her voice. I'm not saying that other countries stray from the same action, but seriously? The Olympics are about abilities, not about looks. No one cares if a gold medalist has a crooked nose and yellowing, twisted teeth... so long as they win, their country will hoist them up all the same. But this little girl sings like an angel, and her country hides her in a closet so they can boast a girl who looks more like an angel. Boo on China.

Breaking Dawn Review

WARNING: SPOILERS ABOUND. IF YOU INTEND ON READING THIS BOOK WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT HAPPENS, DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW.

Breaking Dawn was the last book in the Twilight saga. Though Stephanie Meyer plans to write Midnight Sun the book will only run parallel to the series from someone else's point of view. There was no option then--all the unanswered questions had to be answered in this book. Everything had to make sense. I must say it exceeded my expectations.

At first I was unsure--with Edward and Bella's wedding done with by page 50 it seemed odd that this book could continue--everything was perfect, so long as Bella was made a vampire eventually. But Meyer had other plans up her sleeve. An unexpected pregnancy that no one could have guessed, and that at first seemed too silly and fanfiction-like. Who could've guessed that while vampires can't get vampires pregnant, the same didn't hold true for vampires getting humans pregnant. As silly as it was, one of my favorite parts occurred when Bella realized what was happening, when Edward was on the ground in shock, unable to move. The image was was clear in my head, and the thought of it made me laugh--I laughed a lot through this novel.

And then Meyer makes a bold choice and has Jacob Black narrate for the duration of Bella's pregnancy. We're able to see how everyone reacts without constantly hearing Bella's whining about not harming the baby, but not wanting to see everyone else hurt. Not to mention, Jacob was a pretty good narrator, what with his crude language, funny nicknames, and "bada bing". Yes, that was another favorite part of mine. I also very much enjoyed when Edward was able to hear the baby's thoughts, and he was finally taking on that fatherly image. What was more interesting was knowing what Jacob was thinking, and seeing Edward's reactions--something that was impossible when Bella narrates. And Meyer cuts off Jacob's narration at just the right point--when Jacob changes, when he imprints on Bella and Edward's daughter... when he's changed forever, and therefore, no longer a good narrator. It was time to travel back to Bella's mind, no longer suffering from constant thoughts of her child--there were new things to consider. 

In order to save her from the traumatic ordeal of giving birth to a half-vampire, Edward had to change Bella. It was finally time for the heroine (as much as I hate to admit it) to become a vampire, and her narration started to become more interesting. It was great seeing the terrible transformation through the one who experienced it, great seeing the still lacking in self-confidence Bella getting used to her super model body, and Edward, loving her just the same as he had when she was merely human, convinced her that she was never just merely pretty. I do love Edward, love the way he has never lost his love for Bella, love the way he protects her, love the way he hurts when she hurts and blames himself for the tiniest little thing. You can see the good in his heart, though it doesn't beat, the perfection that is Edward Cullen. There's just one tiny mistake--

WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD LET THEIR WIFE NAME THEIR ONLY DAUGHTER RENESMEE CARLIE?!?!?! WHAT IS IT WITH BOOKS LIKE THIS AND HARRY POTTER, CAN NO ONE FIND A DECENT BABY NAMING BOOK?

Ok, sorry, just had to get that out. Other than the name, Renesmee is a joy to watch. Just like in the book, she's able to win over even the most skeptical readers, with her innocent charm. Though I thought I would abhor her birth, I actually appreciated her as a character. Afterall, if it weren't for her, there wouldn't be such a final battle.

All seemed right with the world, everyone was happy, and yet there were still 300 pages left of the book...something had to happen. Ah, yes, of course--the Volturi, the vampire police who covet the skills of Edward, Alice, and now Bella. I must admit, it was quite exciting to see the army of vampires build up, to all protect Renesmee at all costs, and still it wasn't quite as exciting as the final battle in Harry Potter. I know, I shouldn't make comparisons, but that's the truth. The battle seemed recycled almost, with Bella being able to protect everyone with a shield (sort of like Harry's sacrifice shielding everyone from harm). Still, it was interesting to see how everything worked out, how Alice finally showed up to save the day, but even more so how it all seemed to end at a standstill and both armies turned around and walked their separate ways. Oh, I must say, Aro reminds me way too much of Pegasus from Yu-Gi-Oh, just have to put that out there. 

And so the story ends, as many fantasies do, happily ever after. I thought about it a little after I read the final sentence and closed by books in the early hours of Sunday morning. When I first read it, I was skeptical, because so much had changed, it was so different from the other three, but upon further thinking I discovered that I highly enjoyed it--because it was so different. The characters took on new traits and new flaws--they became different characters in a sense. Highly impossible, yet it seemed like Edward grew up in a sense, no longer a more perfect version of Romeo, but rather one who kept more than just his and Bella's self-interest. It was nice to see him stand up to Aro as almost the leader of the group, taking responsibility for his family--his wife, and his daughter. 

It was even nice to see Bella grow into a vampire, able to control herself to keep the ones she loved safe. It was nice to see her take on that motherly role--though entirely different from the teen with the aversion to marriage Meyer created in the previous three books. I highly enjoyed the very end, when Bella is able to push the shield away from herself so that Edward can finally read her thoughts and know how she really feels. That was, to me, the perfect ending. Edward and Bella weren't so much the Edward and Bella we all learned to love from earlier in the series--they were completely different, and still, so much better. 

See, Breaking Dawn wasn't so much the end of the Twilight saga... technically it all ended with Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn was a book on it's own, creating new characters that we still loved. Despite the elaborate plot, the terrible baby name, and the easy way out of having Jacob imprint on Renesmee, I found that this book was highly enjoyable, a 9 out of 10 for me. 

Just one question though... what do you think will happen once Renesmee is old enough, and Jacob can fantasize... and Edward can read his thoughts... I'm guessing total bloodbath :D

The Summer of Recovery

I have decided to christen the summer of 2008 as the Summer of Recovery and Rediscovery. Such a terrible year it was! Not only did I suffer the effects of moving on to college life, but I had to do so while still readjusting to that all too familiar status of single. I wish I could say I was a big girl and handled things well, but everything went wrong. I was in such a haze of self-pity and depression that I forgot to take care of myself and everything around me. Casualties: a could've been great friendship, an understanding that my best friend would help me through everything, my love of reading, my sanity, my already faltering self-esteem and my better judgement. These were all murdered by those terrible weapons of depression, jealousy, paranoia, and gluttony. I was lost, even threatening to stab myself a few times. I had forgotten about that....

But through Spring semester, after I finally sought help, I began seeing things a little differently. I became more self-conscious, and aware of how my actions affected others. And I also began to feel a deep remorse with no way of calming it. It's difficult, but in order to prove my remorse, I wasn't able to communicate it--it's a long story. Anyways, I began to get better, cry less, think about him less, and start caring more about my own life, and fixing the damage that should never have occurred.

And so, this summer, it was all about me. It was my turn to call the shots on my life without depending on others to create my happiness. See, one great lesson of this whole saga: never depend on someone for your happiness, because in the end, when it's gone, you'll cling on trying to find it, and when you realize you're not going to get it, well, then a part of you dies, for a long time.

This summer I made sure I kept busy, made sure I would be happy. Every weekend was spent catching up with old friends, hanging out, shopping. Every afternoon was spent working out. Every minute of my day was dedicated to creating my own happiness, with a little help along the way.

Sheep, Legally Blonde, Twilight

These three were the final stages to my recovery, to getting back to my old self, the one that started senior year with such promise. 

Sheep--that group of friends that saw everything, and still never left. Others discussed behind my back, some left, some grew tired of the constant self-pity, but the Sheep never left me-they were always there for me, and still are. I don't know where I'd be without these wonderful girls who have taught me the true meaning of friendship and love. I owe everything to these girls. They are my world.

Legally Blonde--the Broadway musical I was determined to hate and loved from the instant I saw it. Never have I been so inspired to get off my ass and actually do something for me, something to make me happy that didn't revolve around others' wants and wishes. Never have I been so inspired to be nice to everyone, regardless of how they treat me. When I saw it, something changed within me, it's like I got my old spunk back.

and finally... Twilight--I know I just read the series in less than a week, and it's your typical teen angst novel complete with vampires, but I fell in love with Edward Cullen (yes, a fictional vampire... get over). Not that I don't "fall in love" with other fictional characters from Jane Austen and JK Rowling, but this "crush" sort of confirmed the turnaround I've made. I haven't felt this way about anyone (yes, I KNOW, fictional) since, well, yeah... I know he's just a character, and I'm not honestly "in love" with him... please, I want him to stay with Bella in the end... but it's nice to know that I'm capable of feeling that way again... I mean, I always had crushes... from Kindergarten til Senior year... not having one just made my frantic emotional heart try and retreat to the old ones and harp on them... I didn't think I was able to like someone new, and this... this was nice. (YES, I KNOW, FICTIONAL CHARACTER.... NOT OBSESSING... JUST DESCRIBING A FEELING).

Anyways, and here I stand today, with a strong group of friends, a large pile of books, a definite major, a hopeful plan for the future, a drive for success, and the past behind me. I've recovered, and yeah, it took longer than it should've... but now I'm stronger. 

Oh, and I used to complain that I didn't smile the same way I did back during last May, but now, when I smile, it's even better, because it's someone who's truly happy with where she is and what she's become. Truly, I feel so blessed to feel this way, I just want to share it with everyone else.